My Thoughts

心暖かい、優しいメッセージを送ってくれたみんな、 心配をしてくれたみんな、本質の自分をわかってくれてるみんな いつも元気をもらってます。生きる励みになります。 心の底からありがとう、そしてごめんね。 5月23日から49日が経つ今、やっと自分の頭の中に小さい光が差しこみました。 自分の頭の中も整理されて、みんなに伝えたい言葉が見つかりました。 この整理された心の思いを５分間だけの読みなので、 時間を取って最後まで読んで頂けると嬉しいです。 5/23から２週間前、はなと久しぶりに電話で話した。 その日の前に、はなは自分に電話をしてくれた時があり、それに返信しない自分がいた。 そのことは今一番の後悔かもしれない。 もっと早くあのとき自分に連絡をしてくれた時に、返信してればはなは誰かの近くにいることを忘れてなかったのかなと考える。 でも電話をくれたあの時、正直自分は悩んでた、というよりかは病んでた。 周りが見えなくなり、生きている人全員を疑うようなマインドセットになっちゃってた。 自分に本当に近い家族や友人だけを頼りに、乗り切った時期に電話に出れなかった自分がいる。 はな、ごめんね。俺もはなに、その時頼ればよかった。 もっと素直に自分の気持ちをぶつければよかった。 でもできなかった。ごめんね。 久しぶりに電話で聴こえたはなの声はとてもピュアで素直で可愛かった。 お互いの道に何もズレが一つもなかったかのように、真正面から自分を受け入れてくれた。 話した瞬間から自分たちで全てがもと通りに戻ったと感じて顔が勝手に笑顔になってた。 素直に嬉しいこの感情は久しぶりに感じたものだった。 コスチュームのことについて話した。あの日のことについて話した。 はなは自分の真相、あの時取った自分の態度について謝ってくれた。 あの時放った言葉は心の底からぶつけたい言葉じゃないってことを教えてくれた。 ありがとう。 あれははなの心の本質じゃないことに気づけたから。嬉しかった。 はなは最初からお金を受け取るつもりは一切なかったとも教えてくれた。 じゃあ全部収まったら二人で高いレストランで、バシッと決めて、一緒に食べに行こう！と提案した自分。 それに快くうん！と答えてくれたはな

After living 25 years of my life around the world, a failed golf career, going to two years of acting school, getting called racial slurs, people slanting eyes at me, calling me half with a stinky tone, living each day, getting rejected plenty of times, losing a friend to people hating.   I came to a conclusion that I truly believe in.   99% of the problems in the world can be solved with Love Because Love is always the answer Love your self, and you’ll be happy Love others, and you’ll feel joy Love nature, and you’ll find peace Why hate? Why bring others down? But most importantly, why bring your self down? Hatred is a terrifying blind fold that blocks the soft light, disabling your self to see the beauty in everything It makes you forget where you are at, and what you are about Hark! Means to listen. Listen to your self, and you’ll get new ideas Listen to others, and you’ll learn something new Listen to nature, and you’ll find the right pa

What are my values? What is important to me? Questions I have asked my self, countless times The base of all that is love, that never changes But I would have to update the aesthetic of that every single day It's like painting your house to the way you want it, just because it makes you feel better I realized I'm the type of person that it is hard for me to construct my words and speaking out Words are hard for me because with words, you can never take them back And It's not that I am incapable of speaking my mind It's just, I was afraid of how I would be perceived with every word I speak out And it even gets harder when I have to come up with my mind when I need to right in the moment Recently, I'm doing better How? I tell my self I don't give a damn I don't care what you think of me I don't care how you think of me I don't care what happens after what I said And don't get me wrong, this doesn't mean I don&

Recently changing the perspective on what I am doing Helps me into making the decisions, that I actually want to make The days go by fast and I'm unconscious of what time it is I don't care I want to know what do I want to do right now The simplest thing I can change in this world is the perspective On what I'm doing or how I'm feeling I understand why I feel mad, I understand why I feel sad But I also understand why I'm happy, I also understand why I feel joy Every minute I'm more conscious of my self and my body In exchange I get to live more in the moment, and notice how can I make it better Because if I can make it better, other people around me can also feel that feeling I'm bettering my health mentally and physically everyday, I feel more motivated to keep continue in this savage world called life I want to see the vibrant soft flower that I one day will blossom into

Man, I have so much on my mind since my last post Right now, I'm in the best possible condition, physically and mentally I haven't been able to post due to not being able to get into my own account, technology is hard man I run almost every single day, do push ups, meditate, stretch, talk to friends, draw, make music,,, I wish I'm able to write here that I have been doing standup comedy, I really haven't I have been mainly drawing and painting and have been doing a lot of exhibitions But that does not mean that I have given up on standup comedy I actually realized something new that I wasn't able to see before I was rushing, rushing, rushing trying to be funny, trying to be someone who I am not The more I rush the more I'm not funny, the more I rush the more I lose my self Even though I haven't really done standup comedy, I feel like I'm 10 times funnier than before I have a small grasp on what is funny in this world and what is