My Thoughts

First of all to the people who have given me positive messages, I just want to thank you guys from the bottom of my heart You guys are the reason I'm still here, you guys are the reason to keep on moving and make this world a better place I'm also sorry for anyone who has been worried about my well being But I'm here now to give you guys nothing else but the truth 2 weeks prior to May23rd, I spoke to Hana directly on the phone Before that day we spoke on the phone,  Hana gave me a call but at that time of my life I wasn't able to pick up her call I was in a state of depression not being able to trust anyone else beside my tight circle I don't know what has caused it but I assume it came from having too many things change in such a short amount of time But after everything was gone and I was in a good state, I was able to talk to Hana again. The most surprising thing she did, was accept me with open arms She didn't blame me but she was very ...

心暖かい、優しいメッセージを送ってくれたみんな、 心配をしてくれたみんな、本質の自分をわかってくれてるみんな いつも元気をもらってます。生きる励みになります。 心の底からありがとう、そしてごめんね。 5月23日から49日が経つ今、やっと自分の頭の中に小さい光が差しこみました。 自分の頭の中も整理されて、みんなに伝えたい言葉が見つかりました。 この整理された心の思いを５分間だけの読みなので、 時間を取って最後まで読んで頂けると嬉しいです。 5/23から２週間前、はなと久しぶりに電話で話した。 その日の前に、はなは自分に電話をしてくれた時があり、それに返信しない自分がいた。 そのことは今一番の後悔かもしれない。 もっと早くあのとき自分に連絡をしてくれた時に、返信してればはなは誰かの近くにいることを忘れてなかったのかなと考える。 でも電話をくれたあの時、正直自分は悩んでた、というよりかは病んでた。 周りが見えなくなり、生きている人全員を疑うようなマインドセットになっちゃってた。 自分に本当に近い家族や友人だけを頼りに、乗り切った時期に電話に出れなかった自分がいる。 はな、ごめんね。俺もはなに、その時頼ればよかった。 もっと素直に自分の気持ちをぶつければよかった。 でもできなかった。ごめんね。 久しぶりに電話で聴こえたはなの声はとてもピュアで素直で可愛かった。 お互いの道に何もズレが一つもなかったかのように、真正面から自分を受け入れてくれた。 話した瞬間から自分たちで全てがもと通りに戻ったと感じて顔が勝手に笑顔になってた。 素直に嬉しいこの感情は久しぶりに感じたものだった。 コスチュームのことについて話した。あの日のことについて話した。 はなは自分の真相、あの時取った自分の態度について謝ってくれた。 あの時放った言葉は心の底からぶつけたい言葉じゃないってことを教えてくれた。 ありがとう。 あれははなの心の本質じゃないことに気づけたから。嬉しかった。 はなは最初からお金を受け取るつもりは一切なかったとも教えてくれた。 じゃあ全部収まったら二人で高いレストランで、バシッと決めて、一緒に食べに行こう！と提案した自分。 それに快くうん！と答えてくれたはな...

After living 25 years of my life around the world, a failed golf career, going to two years of acting school, getting called racial slurs, people slanting eyes at me, calling me half with a stinky tone, living each day, getting rejected plenty of times, losing a friend to people hating.   I came to a conclusion that I truly believe in.   99% of the problems in the world can be solved with Love Because Love is always the answer Love your self, and you’ll be happy Love others, and you’ll feel joy Love nature, and you’ll find peace Why hate? Why bring others down? But most importantly, why bring your self down? Hatred is a terrifying blind fold that blocks the soft light, disabling your self to see the beauty in everything It makes you forget where you are at, and what you are about Hark! Means to listen. Listen to your self, and you’ll get new ideas Listen to others, and you’ll learn something new Listen to nature, and you’ll find the...

What are my values? What is important to me? Questions I have asked my self, countless times The base of all that is love, that never changes But I would have to update the aesthetic of that every single day It's like painting your house to the way you want it, just because it makes you feel better I realized I'm the type of person that it is hard for me to construct my words and speaking out Words are hard for me because with words, you can never take them back And It's not that I am incapable of speaking my mind It's just, I was afraid of how I would be perceived with every word I speak out And it even gets harder when I have to come up with my mind when I need to right in the moment Recently, I'm doing better How? I tell my self I don't give a damn I don't care what you think of me I don't care how you think of me I don't care what happens after what I said And don't get me wrong, this doesn't mean I don...

Recently changing the perspective on what I am doing Helps me into making the decisions, that I actually want to make The days go by fast and I'm unconscious of what time it is I don't care I want to know what do I want to do right now The simplest thing I can change in this world is the perspective On what I'm doing or how I'm feeling I understand why I feel mad, I understand why I feel sad But I also understand why I'm happy, I also understand why I feel joy Every minute I'm more conscious of my self and my body In exchange I get to live more in the moment, and notice how can I make it better Because if I can make it better, other people around me can also feel that feeling I'm bettering my health mentally and physically everyday, I feel more motivated to keep continue in this savage world called life I want to see the vibrant soft flower that I one day will blossom into

Man, I have so much on my mind since my last post Right now, I'm in the best possible condition, physically and mentally I haven't been able to post due to not being able to get into my own account, technology is hard man I run almost every single day, do push ups, meditate, stretch, talk to friends, draw, make music,,, I wish I'm able to write here that I have been doing standup comedy, I really haven't I have been mainly drawing and painting and have been doing a lot of exhibitions But that does not mean that I have given up on standup comedy I actually realized something new that I wasn't able to see before I was rushing, rushing, rushing trying to be funny, trying to be someone who I am not The more I rush the more I'm not funny, the more I rush the more I lose my self Even though I haven't really done standup comedy, I feel like I'm 10 times funnier than before I have a small grasp on what is funny in this world and what is ...

when the light turns off and i met you for the first time i lost all conscious, the ecstatic shiver hitting all tall walls making me believe what just may be true I'm curious, the bass connecting our movement the flexible flow, flashing my eyes hi do you dj? I like dancing let's dance together when I lose the shy

We talk about race White, Black, Asian, Brown I don't know why I said Asian...maybe I'm a racist lol But we talk about race... What are we racing for? Who's watching the race? How far is the race? Are we running? I don't really want to run Is there a winner? A loser? What's at the end of the goal? If there even is a goal? But, do you know why it's called a race? It's so we compete with one another to define who is the greater of all Who is the best race that defeats all others to fall Those at the top sitting on their comfy chairs Looking down at us, hating each other, who the fuck cares?? It really shouldn't be a race against one another. It should be a race together to reach our goal as a humanity Stop hating each other before we all lose our sanity A world where there is no racism or hate just because of how we look Switching your detrimental perspective for the bright sunny outlook

Happy to announce, due to lots of request by people wanting to buy my art 大多数の人からのリクエストにつき  I decided to start selling my art! 自分のアートを売る事にしました！ This really helps me to continue creating more art and more content 買ってくれる事でこれからももっと描き続けられるし、もっと作品を制作できるようになります If you are interested in purchasing any of my art 購入に興味のある方は Please DM me on Instagram @kaicoxa or Email me at kaikoba94@gmail.com インスタグラムのDM　@kaicoxa　か　メールアドレス kaikoba94@gmail.com　までお願いします Always, Thank you so much everyone for your support いつもサポートしてくれてありがとう！ If you live around the center of Tokyo, I can deliver it to you personally! 東京都内だったら手渡しで届けられまーす！ "Bush on Fire" 21.3x15 Acrylic on paper 105,000 yen "Me and my Friends" 17.6x8 Acrylic and coupy on plank 85,000 yen "Love or Lust" A4 Pen on Paper 35,000 "Stage Trauma" A4 Pen on Paper 25,000 "Missed Opportunity" A4 Pen on Paper 25,000 Except for...

Thank you for letting me understand For the people I have near me The People who care for my well being I'm thankful for the people that understand me for who I am I am very grateful, Thank you very much I love everyone But I need to show it more Not for my self, but for the people around me who support me I want to see their happy faces Because in the end... that makes me happy

I used to think words were the dumbest thing invented by human beings It creates so much misunderstanding of my feelings and perspective Now, I treasure words...well I think I've always have carefully selecting words but now I understand the beauty of it These random sounds joining together to deliver emotions and ideas Leaving a trail on this earth for thousands of years We need words, but at the same time we need more meaningful words Words that matter, and maybe this is just my theory but words that connect with an emotion Including my self I think we sometimes use words carelessly Not paying attention to our selves and the people we direct it towards Either we are just randomly putting out words to get by the situation you are in Or using words not thinking about the other persons feeling or perspective Its hard because every word is powerful, and none of it is light But if we continue to be conscious of the words we use every day to everyone And se...

I sometimes take life too seriously I lose my self thinking seriously, losing sight of all my strengths Life isn't meant to be taken seriously I lose sight of how good I am to be 適当 No one else has my sense of 適当、これでいいっしょmentality I over think somethings have to be done a certain way Losing the main purpose of life or the thing I do Which is to just enjoy life and have fun with what I do. If I'm not doing that, I'm losing something in life And I don't want to lose I want to win By having fun

Recently more people are interested in buying my paintings and drawings Something I'm very grateful for, and never imagined this would happen to me I want to continue to keep on drawing Because I still have my big dream of going to the moon in 2023 It might seem like a far fetched dream of being invited But with all the different things coming to me, and getting positive feedback I know I can make it, only if I keep on drawing If I just continue what I like to do Look down and continue moving forward The opportunity will come to my lap And all I have to do is to prepare for that one moment in my life

Am I doing better than yesterday? I went for a run longer than yesterday, meditated, and stretched more so I think the answer is yes I also came back to standup comedy in a way I have lost for awhile now I want to be doing more standup, the other day I wasn't feeling it Now, there is an urge to stand on the stage with the mic in my hand Seeing the lights and dimly lit people face The rush in my body, some people laughing, my buddy's watching In that sense of my way of thinking towards comedy, I did do better than yesterday And the biggest reason is because I was able to share about my problem with people People responded to me in a positive way, believing in me That melts my heart, that makes me realize I've got it in me Now it's down to if I do it or not So thank you everyone for listening to me and also expressing what you feel It really helps me And tomorrow, I want to be doing better than today Set the bar a little higher than today ...

Yesterday was an amazing day spending time with friends and a special person I was living in the moment, until I started thinking about the stage I was going to get back on I had prepared all of my comedy bits for this night for awhile now I sat down with Troy and went through all of my lines and even added a new intro for my self I practiced countless times to a point I knew the lines I was excited to get on the stage for the first time this year Then suddenly, this feeling triggered the flashback of my first stage in front of the cameras I'm on the stage performing my bit while no one in the room laughs No one is agreeing with what I'm saying at the moment I got scared I started thinking rapidly Is this going to happen tonight, when I'm most confident with my material? I gave out and told my friend about my feeling He told me "If you don't want to go, just don't go" This made me relieved and I decided not to go Deep down,...

Eddie is my middle name, Hark means to listen, Eddie Hark is the name with the message of equal heart I want to create clothes, people feel confident and empowered when they wear it Clothes are something we wear, we choose, and feel from it everyday Through that process you are able to feel confident no matter who you are Just by selecting the clothes you feel good in It is something that I have recently felt by actually caring about what I wear Before I used to wear anything, anything that would fit me and make me comfortable But at that point of my life, I wasn't very confident with my self I wasn't able to talk to anybody being embarrassed by who I was at that time But now I know my self more, and I have worked on my self everyday to be better On top of all that I choose what I wear and how I express my self through clothes By doing that I almost always feel unstoppable That is why I want more people to feel the same way, especially woman Woma...

Why does the moon exist? How is it just floating up there while shining so brightly? The moon has powers with gravitational pool and menstrual cycle as well Isn't that crazy?? Without the moon, the earth wouldn't exist right now The moon helps pull other meteorites in space and takes the hit for the earth The earth and the moon are a set, a team for it to keep existing. I learned that because the way the moon spins we have never seen 41% of the moon So basically no one has seen the other side of the moon That's crazy I want to see the other side, I want to see with my own eyes if the pictures on the internet are true The closest way I can possibly achieve that is to be part of the Dear Moon Project led by a man named Yusaku Maezawa He wants to take 7 artists to the moon and back to see what kinds of creations the artist will make I want to draw something I want to see something people have never seen I want to see the earth from the moons p...

Beginning on my 2020 Resolution, I started running again This time I feel different with the way I run I have this moment where if I focus on what I'm actually doing right now, I am able to be in the moment or in the zone I am not thinking in my head about other things or problems in my life Because that means nothing to me right now, while I am running What really matters is how am I going to get to the next step, goal When I feel like I'm in the moment I feel my face relaxes, all the muscles and tension in the body removes it self building all my focus on the eyes By running I was able to find that out about when I can or want to focus Anytime I want to do it, I can bring it out It's something I haven't felt before but now I know and experience it, every time I'm running What is your focus right at this moment? What is your number one priority right now? Is it drawing this beautiful line? Is it listening to this person that's talking...

What do i want to do in 2020? A lot of things, I want to do a lot of things Things unimaginable, things that will change something for the better First of everything, I want to go to New York I want to go to New York to see how the city moves To see new standup material and styles To see great art that moves me a certain way I think there is a lot of things going on in New York way faster than in Tokyo And i want to experience that to better what I can offer to people Go to New York Come back to Japan And just make great shit That's what I want to do And that's what I'm going to do I'm excited This was my initial writing of what I wanted to do in 2020 And I'm not going to take any of it back because it is indeed the things I want to do But I thought to my self "What do I really need to do?" What do I really need to do to better my self Only one thing Because if we have multiple I'm eventually going to forget...